Coming home should be a relieve and shouldnt feel like a stone dropping on your shoulder.
Coming home to the place where you have lived for the last couple of months shouldnt feel like a burden.
But ...
I step into the house I am living in and all feels strange and unfamiliar. The Smell is not me, the noises are not me. The Furniture is not me. And all these inconstructive Thoughts, which I avoided the last few days are running with lightspeed into my head and heart again and I realise in Milliseconds from what I was running away...as simple as that - the Present...
Please think for me. Please say to me, what to do.
Please dont leave me alone with this freaking thoughts. Please dont let me be alone with myself. Please free me ... just a few more hours ... from myself.
Smart Books told me, that I have to focus on the positive things...
So I look around me and see, that I have a Bed and Bedding and a Duvet and I have it warm, if I want to.
I turn up the Heat. I want to have it warm.
So i look around and see, that I have a door which I can close and Earphones which I can put in.
I close the door so I dont see – I plug in my Earphones, so I dont hear.
Trying to rethink a walk with the dog through the forest.
Trying to rethink a goodnight sleep without a roommate who is speaking full of weed with himself.
Trying to rethink the jumping and whirling around of Body-magic. Magic with no future and no past.
Rethinking the Non-thinking... Rethinking not beeing me...
But the only thing i am feeling is “Home” and tears are running slowly down my cheek.
I open up my Emailaccount to get some Messages and get only one.
One Sentence from Home. With a lot of Exclamation Marks.
“I miss you”
Focus on positive things is a lot of Work. I try my best.
Another positive Thought is Beer. I bought german Beer before I left to the Paradise of Nonthinking ... just beeing, with nothing more to do, than to come with... if I like...
And I liked.
I stored the Beer under my Bed, because I know my Roomates Behaviour of the Single Child, who doesnt ask – just takes -
and pop it open....
I breethe in and out, before I take a big sip.
It doesnt matter, if it is warm.
It doesnt matter, if I dont really feel like drinking.
It doesnt matter, that it is still early.
I have to wake up anyways... way to early to go back to the Callcenterhell, where I pretend to function and nobody is questioning the superficial Functioning. The good old Inner Wall is builded up for the Outside. The good old Wall around my Soul which makes me Untouchable.
If somebody would have told me, that Homesickness is something which is natural and comes with the Territory of beeing adventurous – I would have smiled and would have said:
“Sure. I can manage Homesickness.”
A llittle bitter giggle and one more sip of warm beer – Now.
A thousand Miles from Home. Suddenly realizing and feeling, that Homesickness and Lovesickness are Sisters and that they will never be -like the Desire- a friend of mine.
Give me sleep instead.
And I should drink the Beer out of a Straw. Or should leave the House to by Gin. Or should leave it at that. Breathe in – breathe out.
Make Yoga instead. Or start praying.
I stand up, go to the kitchencupboard where the Straws are and tipple as quiet as I can back into my Room. Closing the Door. Plugging in my Earphones.
No Problems from my Roomate. I dont want to listen. I dont want to be strong for him.
I give myself in...
Let the Tears run. Let myself go.
Let me shiver and let me miss.
Let me miss my Family and friends. Let me miss the Architecture. Let me miss the Germans. Let me miss my books and my house. Let me miss the Greeeting Nodding without a superficial smile.
Let me miss my loved one. Let me miss the Love. Let me miss the laughter of Understanding. Let me miss beeing my old me. Let me miss my Past. Let me miss my unlived future.
Allow that evil Sickness to take over – beeing overdramatic and be concious of that.
And it feels better – indead.
That is what she wanted.
Homesickness is female. I know it.
She just wanted her Position to be cleared up.
It is clear now.
She just wanted to take over. And got her will.
The Beer is still warm. The door is still closed. The Earphones in my Ear and the house still doesnt feel like my home at all, but...
My friend the Future is peeking around the Corner.
And I smile, when I imagine them two having a Wrestling Match. I dont have to think about it. I know instantly who would win.
Homesickness just comes with the Territory, but the Future...
Let them two fight...
Give me one more Beer instead... Not that fucking inbetween.
